Downs

So the past few days have been really hard for me. School has already gotten rediculously stressful, its not even the end of the second week and I'm already behind. I was having horrible urges to cut the other night. I texted two of my friends though. One told me to rely on God, I was like, "I want to, I always want to when this stuff comes up, but I never have the strength to stay facing Him, I always turn around.." But another friend told me to read Psalm 91 which says:


1 He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High


will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. [a]



2 I will say [b] of the LORD, "He is my refuge and my fortress,

my God, in whom I trust."



3 Surely he will save you from the fowler's snare

and from the deadly pestilence.



4 He will cover you with his feathers,

and under his wings you will find refuge;

his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.



5 You will not fear the terror of night,

nor the arrow that flies by day,



6 nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness,

nor the plague that destroys at midday.



7 A thousand may fall at your side,

ten thousand at your right hand,

but it will not come near you.



8 You will only observe with your eyes

and see the punishment of the wicked.



9 If you make the Most High your dwelling—

even the LORD, who is my refuge-



10 then no harm will befall you,

no disaster will come near your tent.



11 For he will command his angels concerning you

to guard you in all your ways;



12 they will lift you up in their hands,

so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.



13 You will tread upon the lion and the cobra;

you will trample the great lion and the serpent.



14 "Because he loves me," says the LORD, "I will rescue him;

I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.



15 He will call upon me, and I will answer him;

I will be with him in trouble,

I will deliver him and honor him.



16 With long life will I satisfy him

and show him my salvation."



By the time that I had reached the fifth verse I knew I could make it through the night without caving to the devil. I know that cutting is straight from the pit of hell and I know it is extremely addictive. I do not want to take that path again. It is hard to resist now but the more times I cave to the will of the devil the more difficult it will become to stop. In the past I let my stubborness work against me, determined to prove to the world that I could be as self destructive as I wanted and that noone would be able to stop me; I was determined to prove that I decided how much pain I could handle, not the world. But now I am learning there is another way to be stubborn: to be too stubborn to cut, to be too stubborn to skip a meal. I am tired of letting the devil tell me what I will do each time I am upset or stressed, it is not his decision to make. It is not my decision either; my life is not mine: my life belongs to Jesus Christ. And in that I no longer have the choice to cut or starve. My only choice is to "rest in the shadow of the Almighty."